The Value of Coaching in Recovery

I never played a lot of sports when I was younger, but I did wrestle a couple years in high school. The level of physicality and endurance needed in wrestling is out of this world. I actually believe it could be the toughest sports in existence. Unfortunately, I started too late in high school and didn’t win a ton of matches. I wish I had started learning when I was much younger.

Looking back now upon my season wrestling, there are many memories I have. But one of the greatest memories will always be the quality and solidarity of the coaching involved. I don’t keep in touch with them today, but I remember my coaches names: Matt and Rodney. Matt was younger and a little more easy going, but still tough. Rodney was…there’s really no other way to say, he was hard. I think he may have had the personality of a bull dog! But something I will always remember about Rodney: He always noticed if you were giving 100% OR if you were giving anything less than that.

In athletics, coaching is critical. Ultimately, it comes down to the performance of the individual athlete. But without someone who is willing to teach you, come alongside you, and stand in your corner, I firmly believe a person has no chance at excelling. Whether it be in sports, in life, or even in recovery.

I’ve talked and written before about the power of having safe, healthy people in your life who you can be honest with about your recovery. If you’re currently doing those things already, way to go! But I think we’re living in a time now more than ever that the need is arising for a different form of support: One that is intentional, consistent, and focused.

We need more coaches in recovery. Those who have walked through addiction, found freedom, and continue to find deeper levels of healing in their own lives. And because of those things, they are willing to pass down what they’ve learned to the next guy. And at the end of the day, they’re standing in the corner, cheering that guy on no matter where he’s at.

I believe our recovery is lived out in seasons. What do I mean by this? As I reflect on my earliest days in recovery, I was blessed to be able to sit with a specialized therapist who was specifically trained in helping individuals dealing with sexual addiction. I probably spend several months off and on with this particular counselor, but it was one of the best seasons to help me understand what sexual addiction was and who I was in the midst of it.

Next came a season that I’ve always felt was the most special time for me personally: Being apart of a support group. Sitting in the same room with other men who also were addicted to pornography and other forms of sexually compulsive behavior.  Sharing my story and listening to other’s stories was beyond powerful. It was life-changing. I feel like I grew significantly in that season. So much so that I fell in love with helping other men the same I was felt helped and supported.

Today, I’m in a totally different season. I’m free from porn addiction and have experienced an incredible amount of healing. I feel like my role has shifted in many ways from one of receiving to one of giving. For years I’ve tried to help other men through the means of technology. Producing content like podcasts, videos, and blogs to help equip them on their journey.

I feel like the Lord has called me to be a coach. More accurately, a purity coach. One who helps other men give specific focus to their hearts and what’s going on inside. Even writing that sentence feels a bit strange because I know how wild and untamed my own heart can still be at times. I’m still in need of coaches for my life today, who will come alongside of me to both encourage and challenge me when I need it. I’m grateful that I can think of at least 3-4 men who I would consider to be a coach.

If you’re desiring to recruit some coaches in your life, it doesn’t have to be hard. Again, I always encourage people to find SAFE and HEALTHY individuals that are willing to walk with them through their journey. This is a starting place, not an ending point. I do believe a coach is someone who also has experience and qualifications in a particular field. So it may take you some time to find someone you would call a coach, but don’t give up!

Here are a few places you could check out to get started in finding a coach:

  1. Church — There are often many ministries within a community of faith that are trying to help individuals and families grow in their relationship with God. You may even want to start with your very own church to see if there are older, seasoned believers who would make great coaches. Talk to your pastor about the people in your church. Some churches have pastoral counselors available as well.
  2. Counseling — Search for solid, Christian counseling in your area with therapists who are certified in sexual addiction therapy. Counseling can be expensive, but it may also be a great option to try for 2-3 months to help get some expert guidance in your life. Sometimes, counselors can make incredible coaches, even for a season of time.
  3. Online — This will require some extra work as you want to make sure you’re researching someone credible and knows what they’re talking about. Look for more than just a profile. Look for a website and testimonials about the individuals you find.

Over the last year, Zoom became one of the most visited and highly utilized video conferencing services because of all the shut-downs and closures between school, work, and many gatherings the required you being in the same room as the other person. Many counselors and coaches today will offer Zoom sessions in place of in-person meetings. Many individuals have found this to actually be a much more comfortable and much more private environment.

Are you in need of a coach for your life? Someone who can help you walk through some kind of sexually compulsive behavior? I would love to be able to be of service! Please visit our ministry, Purity For Life, by going to pflhome.com. Drop us a message through the Contact section of the website and we’ll be sure to get back to you.

Perhaps you’re also looking for more community in your life. Small Groups Online offers an incredible online group experience through weekly Zoom meetings with other individuals who share and can empathize with your struggles. It’s one of the best (if not, the best) ways to get yourself out of isolation and into community with others who will encourage you and walk with you. Check out SGO today!

4 Questions You Should Ask Before Meeting With An Accountability Partner

As I approach twelve years in recovery from a pornography addiction I can tell you that many things have changed in my life. I no longer look at sexually explicit material nor do I desire to. Lustful thoughts that used to race through my brain in my adolescent and young adult years no longer have power over me. I’ve learned the devastating consequences of my behavior and how it was not only affecting me but also those around me. And I’ve found tremendous healing through grace, love, honesty, and a willingness to do whatever it takes to be the man that God is calling me to be.

But one thing hasn’t changed: My incessant need for community. For accountability. For people to see the real me.

I want to tell you a little bit about of my best friends: His name is TJ. He’s 33 years old, is married, and has two children. He’s a driver for UPS. He’s one of worship leaders at the church our family attends. And he’s quite simply one of coolest human beings I know. I love him for so many reasons, first and foremost for his deep love and faith in God.

TJ and I share a deep level of respect for each other because we know each other. And because we know each other, we’re able to care for each other’s hearts.

Oftentimes, we’ll call or text each other throughout the week and there’s one question that many times will arise to the surface:

“HOW’S YOUR HEART?”

And I know that whether the question is coming from me or from TJ, that things are about to get real. They’re about to get honest. Real honest.

Because I believe at the core of accountability is a desire to know and be known by others. And as often as I’ve said this to other men, it bears repeating here: You cannot make it through recovery alone! And further more, we as men cannot live on deserted islands away from real, meaningful relationships with other men.

Rewind back to the garden of Eden. God had created the world. The heavens and the earth. Animals. Plants. Man. But he found it unsuitable for man to be alone. And so he created a “helper” for him: Eve. And while this sets up a specific Biblical mandate for marriage in the Scriptures, at the core of this moment is an inherent need for Adam: companionship. Man was never meant to be alone. This is true in marriage, but it’s also true in our accountability relationships within recovery.

Finding 2-3 people you can invite into your story and regularly meet with is imperative for your recovery. Let me say it again: You can’t recover alone. No matter how hard you try. We’re all designed to live & thrive in the context of community.

So what are some questions that are necessary to ask as you seek out safe & healthy accountability relationships?

1. Is this person a Christian?

I believe the faith background of the people we meet with to share the good, the bad, and the ugly with really matters. Why? Because I don’t simply need good advice for my struggles. I need encouragement, challenge, and support that points me to the person of Jesus. What kind of man is God calling me to become? These are the words and thoughts I need reflected back.

2. Are they spiritually mature?

Determining if someone is a Christian opens the door to further communication with them. But what begins to lead me through that door is understanding their maturity & depth as a believer. Do they have an understanding of forgiveness and redemption? Are they struggling with freedom in their own life in some way? Can you tell the trajectory of their relationship with Jesus? Try and find someone who maybe has a few more years on you as it relates to walking with God.

3. Do they have your best interest in mind?

Are they trustworthy? Can you share in confidence with them that they will keep your story private (barring any kind of risk to yourself or others)? Are they able to not only encourage you, but ask you the hard questions about your addiction? A great accountability partner isn’t just someone who only nods their head and strokes your ego. They will be willing to step on your toes, but always offer to help you back up when you fall.

4. Are they familiar with addiction & recovery?

While they don’t have to be experts or counselors in the field of sexual addiction, it would be ideal for them to have some understanding of how this addiction works. Sexual addiction is very difficult for the person walking through it, but for those who are tasked with offering support, it may be more than they can handle. Some people simply aren’t able to offer the kind of support & encouragement needed. Not for lack of desire, but for lack of knowledge.

Asking these questions are critical before you ask someone to be an accountability partner or someone who you will be regularly sharing your story with. These people may come from your church, a small group, your work place, or perhaps even in your family. The point is to seek them out through the filter of the questions above. Start today!

Small Groups Online provides a powerful opportunity to help you become a man who’s healthy and has nothing to hide. In a weekly online meeting format, you can share your story with others who struggling just like you are. Through safe and healthy community, you’ll learn how to have those important conversations with your accountability partners and others you’re closest to.

How Do I Talk To My Spouse About Addiction & Recovery?

One of the most frequent questions I’ve gotten from the men I’ve worked with is this: “How do I even begin the conversation with my wife about my porn addiction &/or the recovery journey that I’m on?”

For many men, just the thought of talking to their wives about their struggles is terrifying. And truthfully, it’s not a conversation that every spouse can handle. But it’s my opinion that you should never leave your spouse in the dark when it comes to your recovery journey. Being willing to share the good, the bad, and the ugly is essential for growth and credibility to be restored between you and your wife. There’s no way around it.

But believe it or not, it doesn’t have to be a conversation that feels awkward, tense, or ends with two people storming out of the room. It can be a conversation that’s healthy and good for you both. One in which you actually grow in intimacy with each other.

In her book, “Shattered Vows” (ps. 184-186) author Debra Laaser shares a way for couples to be able to connect emotionally with one another through a couples sharing exercise called FANOS. FANOS is an acronym that stands for Feelings, Affirmation, Needs, Ownership, & Sobriety.

Throughout the course of a week, we’ve all found it difficult to have deep, meaningful conversations with our spouses. Between our busy schedules, demanding jobs, and family commitments, it feels like at the end of the day, our brains are just fried. And we might be tempted to just check out from engaging with our spouses.

We’ve found in our marriage that this very simple sharing exercise can really help! Especially as it relates to talking to your spouse about your recovery if you’ve never started. Once a week, we’ll take around 15-20 minutes going back and forth sharing from each letter of the acronym. Note: This is usually done when there is no kids around! Car rides are especially great for using this tool!

Let’s briefly break down what each word is and what you specifically share:

  • F – Feelings: How am I feeling this week? (emotionally, physically, spiritually, relationally etc.) This is a huge one so don’t skim over it. Go deep here. And remember, no feeling is invalid or unimportant. Feelings aren’t always based in truth, but they allow your spouse to really see inside your heart. This is probably the hardest area for a man to share from, other than sobriety. But the more you practice, the easier it becomes.
  • A – Affirmation: What ways can I possibly encourage my wife this week? How can I speak to her as a wife, mother, daughter of God? Speak life over your wife. Whether or not you realize it, she so desperately longs to hear your appreciation and encouragement. Being a wife and a mother is an incredibly difficult, and at times a thankless job. Tell her how much she means to you!
  • N – Needs: What needs do I have from my wife? (again emotionally, physically, spiritually, sexually, etc.)? This is an important one so don’t just think “more sex, please” on this one. Be real. Is there a need you have from your wife you may be tempted to receive from someone or something else? This requires some keen insight in your heart, so take your time on this one.
  • O – Ownership: What can I take ownership of this week that I’m not doing so well in? Guys, we should have plenty to express here! As a husband, dad, worker, whatever, what are areas that you can grow in? Be honest with yourself and your wife: Where are you screwing up or slacking? The goal of ownership isn’t meant for you to throw yourself under the bus. It’s meant for you to have enough humility to remember you’re actually not perfect, and you need help. We all do.
  • S – Sobriety: How is my sobriety going this week? This question is typically only for you so be honest. If there were slips, confess them. If there was growth, share it. Don’t leave anything out on this one. Details are important. Your wife deserves to know the truth in how you’re doing. Instead of you merely coming to her and confessing something, you have both worked through a conversational tool that has helped you communicate. At this point in FANOS, you have both shared intimately with each other. So it’s the perfect time to check-in with her about your progress in recovery.

One of the greatest things I cherish about my relationship with my wife is our commitment to complete honesty. Believe it or not, this is a characteristic that didn’t come instantly on day one of marriage.  It’s one that’s been cultivated over the last 12 years. And I believe each and every day, it’s gotten better. But it’s only gotten better because Tracey and I have practiced. And as one person I heard revise the classic quote, “Practice doesn’t make perfect, practice makes permanent.”

I love this model for communication with my wife.  We practiced it early on in my recovery journey and have just recently come back to it for a model of conversation. I pray that it’s helpful to you as well as you grow in oneness with the man or woman God has given you.

Being involved in community helps the process of learning how to talk to your spouse much easier. And you don’t even have to go far to find it! Small Groups Online offers specific groups that you can become apart of to help you meet others who are walking through the same struggles that you are. Through weekly Zoom meetings online and the Live Free app, you’ll find there’s always another brother who you can reach out to in your time of need. Check out SGO today!!!

What Do You Want From Your Recovery In 2021?

If I were to ask you to make a wish list of your top five destinations you’d love to travel to in the entire world,  what would they be? Or what about a bucket list of ten or twenty things you’d like to do in your lifetime? No doubt many of you have already had those dreams.

Here’s a question: What do you want from your recovery in 2021? If I were to ask you to envision what kind of person you’d like to be on December 31, 2021, what kind of person would that be?

I really believe every year around this time we should be looking in two directions: backwards at the previous year we just walked through and forwards towards the new year. How have we grown? What lessons have we learned? Perhaps even a couple harder questions: Where have we struggled? Where have we declined in our progress?

But even more importantly, WHO do you want to become in 2021? No matter what 2020 was like, we need to press forward with the constant desire to get better. To heal more. To grow more. Remember that any mistakes you made this past year doesn’t discount all the progress you made. You’re not starting over from scratch. You have to keep moving.

No matter if you’re in your first year of recovery or your twentieth, there’s something you can do to get better. Consider your progress in the following areas and ask yourself where you can be strengthened:

  1. Community — Are you in a weekly small group or support group with others who share similar struggles that you have? There’s an element of healing that can only take place with other people by your side. Small Groups Online offers an excellent opportunity for you to find such a group.
  2. AccountabilityHave you sought out 2-3 individuals in which you’re communicating with on a daily basis? As I’ve always stated, these need to be safe and healthy individuals who care about your heart. People who are spiritually mature and will be able to ask you the hard questions.
  3. AccessWhat does your access to the internet and social media look like? Is the door wide open or do you have specific software set up on your devices to guard you from sexually explicit content and/or things that would trigger you to act out? There are so many great solutions out there including Ever Accountable, which I would highly recommend.
  4. Heart Last, and certainly the greatest as it relates to work you can be doing on your own: Are you actively taking care of your heart by giving it healthy outlets to process painful emotions and experiences? Have you discovered what specific triggers you have and what causes you to act out? Keeping the pulse on your heart should always be a priority.

Here’s the bottom line: Once you stop learning, you stop growing. I can remember the kind of person I was eleven years ago. And I never want to go back to being him again. I’ve worked too hard. Grown too much. Traveled too far.

2021 has the potential to be your greatest year yet! But it first requires a vision of where you want to be at the end of it. You’ll have all year to work at it, make progress, fall down, and get back up again. I’m so thankful for the grace that awaits us in 2021.

As mentioned earlier, if you’re looking for an authentic community to share your struggles with, look no further than Small Groups Online. SGO is an incredible opportunity for you to meet others who are struggling the same way you are. It promises a safe and healthy atmosphere. Through communication with others in the group about your addiction, you will find a renewed sense of courage spring up in you to become a person of sexual integrity.

Check out Small Groups Online today!

3 Recovery Gifts You’ll Want To Unwrap This Christmas

Christmas is a few short days away now and before you kick back with your peppermint mocha, while watching way too many holiday Hallmark movies (ok, maybe that’s only a few of you husbands), I want to encourage you this Christmas to not take a break from your recovery journey. The holidays are some of the most triggering times for individuals struggling with an addiction. Research has even shown that the two most popular days for people to flock to pornography is the day after Thanksgiving and two days after Christmas.

Why is this? Well, among many reasons, being around family can very triggering. Perhaps there is some kind of pain related to different individuals at home or maybe a past abuse that occurred. Being far away is just as triggering. In these COVID-10 days we live in, some literally can’t travel to see their families this year. And the stress from that reality is simply too much for some.

Thinking back on the holidays during my addiction, I remember many moments sinking into a hole of disconnection from people and allowing myself to wallow in loneliness and despair. The irony of those of those moments is that the very thing I was running from was what my soul was really needing: a longing to know true love and be known by people.

If the holidays are especially tough for you, I want to encourage you that you don’t have to experience Christmas this year the same way you have in years past. The holidays can be a rejuvenating and refreshing time for you. That’s why there are a few recovery gifts I’d like to give you this Christmas. Make sure you unwrap these gifts before you settle into Christmas and New Year’s.

The first gift perhaps requires the most work on your part…

  1. FOCUSMaybe you’re a student who just finished mid-terms or you work at a company that just wrapped up a huge project for the year. Focus is probably the last thing you want to do during your Christmas break. I remember feeling so exhausted and burned out coming home for the holidays, I just wanted a break. It’s easy to get sidetracked and super stressed out before and during the holidays — it seems to happen every year! But we really need to pay close attention to what is going on inside of us. Asking yourself questions like, “What am I feeling?”, “What are my triggers?”, “Why am I feeling pulled to act out?” These are all incredibly valid questions to be asking yourself. You have to remember that your greatest treasure is your heart. In Proverbs, it uses some pretty strong language: “ABOVE ALL ELSE, guard your heart, because it determines the course of your life.” Slow down and hold your heart close during the holidays. Stay focused!
  2. CONNECTIONThe necessity of being around safe, healthy people during the holidays cannot be overstated. There’s so much life to be found in being with people to celebrate, to laugh, and even to cry. The flip side of the coin is that there can also be disappointment and pain that comes with being around certain family members or friends. But staying connected to your support people is so crucial during the holidays! We’re often surrounded by so many friends and family and yet we find ourselves struggling alone. Make it your goal this holiday season to sit down with people who care about your heart and your recovery journey. Share with them how you’re doing, what questions you have, and seek the Lord together so you can become the man or woman that God wants you to be! There’s nothing wrong with wanting to be alone at times, but if that’s all you’re wanting to do, make sure you check the dashboard of your heart for any warning lights that are pointing to a deeper problem going on.
  3. REST — In what is quite possibly the most important holiday purity tip that impacts our physical and emotional health the most, getting proper rest probably tops the list. During sleep the brain performs so many incredibly helpful functions that we’re not even aware of including: reinforcing the immune system, resetting stress to zero, repairing the body physically, and even correcting traumatic moments that have occurred. That’s amazing! So remember during the holidays the importance of rest. Even when you’re tempted to stay up late into the night with friends and family, make sure you’re getting at least 7-9 hours of sleep. Your brain, your body, and your recovery will thank you!

Throughout my recovery journey, I’ve found these “gifts” invaluable. Another gift in my life has been Small Groups Online. Small Groups Online is an incredible opportunity for you to meet others who are struggling the same way you are. It promises a safe and healthy atmosphere. Through communication with others in the group about your addiction, you will find a renewed sense of courage spring up in you to become a person of sexual integrity.

Check out Small Groups Online today!

3 Steps to Discovering Why You Are Addicted

Healing takes more than time. It takes intentionality. It takes the humility and courage to call what hurts by its name and the resolve to do the work that freedom demands.”  Jackie Hill-Perry

Recently, near the end of the men’s group that I lead, I was getting ready to pray for all the guys in our group. Every man in the group has an incredibly unique story, and so when the time comes for us to pray together in our meetings, I always find these to be powerful moments for God to move within our hearts.

On this particular night, I felt like a specific word was given to me for all of us to embrace: Investigation.

In the journey towards freedom and healing from our unwanted sexual behaviors, I have found that we go through different phases of restoration: Confessing the destructive choices we’ve made, receiving forgiveness from those we have betrayed, and discovering a safe, healthy community we can belong to. These are all critical and necessary steps we must take in order to heal.

And yet, as important as these steps are, I’ve found only one thing to be the glue that holds all of these other things together: Investigating the heart. Discovering “WHY” we medicate our pain is perhaps the greatest step we can take to finding long lasting healing.

How do we discover the “why” behind our addictions and other compulsive behaviors? For this, we have to go back to the word mentioned earlier: Investigation. How does an actual investigation begin? After some kind of crime has been committed, the goal of law enforcement & other investigators is to discover how the crime occurred in the first place. Evidence must be gathered, witnesses must be interviewed, & ultimately, the person who committed the crime must be found and taken in.

Please understand, I’m not suggesting that you try and police your hearts looking for any and every potential cause to the struggles you face. A person could go crazy trying to figure this out. What I am suggesting is that virtually 100% of the time there is a link between pain and addiction. Behind every addiction is a source of pain, abuse, or trauma of which an individual tries to medicate. This is where the journey begins: Venturing into the unknown places of the heart with a flashlight and looking for the places that have been damaged by the actions of others or ourselves.

Sometimes, the cause of the hurt is from an abuse that took place when you were a child. Sometimes, the manipulation of our minds & hearts started when porn was accidentally discovered in our own home. Or it could even be as elusive as a lie or agreement we make about ourselves that works its way into our thinking.

Wherever the source of our pain stems from,  we’re the ones responsible to do the real soul work that is necessary in recovery. Where do we begin?

      1. Launch the Investigation — One of the most difficult decisions a person will ever make in recovery is doing the heart surgery required for healing. And while this isn’t easy to do, you don’t have to do it alone. Having a counselor come alongside of you who is certified in sexual addiction therapy is a great start. They can ask the right questions and aid you in tracing the potential sources of any unwanted behavior. Oftentimes, they will help you look at your past and your present.
      2. Discover the Evidence — In virtually every crime scene there is evidence that needs to be discovered by investigators with the goal of leading them to the person responsible. The same is true for our lives in recovery. We have to comb through the places of pain, trauma, or abuse to find what things could have contributed to our addiction. Being involved in community helps this process significantly. And you don’t even have to go far to find it! Small Groups Online offers specific groups that you can become apart of to help you meet others who are walking through the same struggles that you are.  
      3. Identify the Suspects — Our ultimate goal is to find where the source of our unwanted sexual behaviors lie. You might think that the the person who binges on porn every night has a porn problem. The reality is that they have a pain problem. And discovering the culprits hiding behind that pain is crucial. Counselors, support groups and many other resources available to you today can help you discover what’s really going on in your life.

I love the words of Psalm 139:23-24, which says: “God, I invite your searching gaze into my heart. Examine me through and through; find out everything that may be hidden within me. Put me to the test and sift through all my anxious cares. See if there is any path of pain I’m walking on, and lead me back to your glorious, everlasting ways— the path that brings me back to you.”

Remember that the recovery journey is a marathon, not a sprint. It will take a combination of time and intentionality on your part to find the freedom you so desperately long for. But rest assured, YOU CAN DO IT. Never give up on becoming the best version of yourself.